Today was my first day back and it gave me pretty good insight into what I'm like and how I want/need this year to go. I woke up to my alarm going off and outfit somewhat ready (Yay for planning!) but I still had a gnawing panic that I was doing something wrong. I was ready with plenty of time and thought I'd treat myself to a breakfast egg white sandwich. When I got outside, my sneakers didn't cut it against the wet ice and I penquin stepped it to my car, which resembled a Saturn flavored popsicle. Oh well, there's time for special breakfast tomorrow. Still, I was pretty psyched, because I like the drive to work (sick, I know). The first time I went to scrape ice off my windshield, I broke my ice scraper- and broke it good! When I finally got to school, anxious, but otherwise good natured, I found the parking lot empty except for 200 Verizon vans that park closest to the school entrace instead of in the back of the building where they belong but don't like because have to wait for everyone else in the lot. UGH! Turns out we had a 2hr delay. Yay. Except I didn't have anywhere to go. After a quick trip to Walmart , I went back to work and prepared every student's paperwork and materials... for things we never did. Work was much better than I expected and the kids seemed pretty happy to be back! I got tons of hugs from kids I thought would've forgotten me by now.
Feeling good, I came home, said hi to Ricky and lit some gingerbread candles, then got crackin' on taking care of long overdue business and designing and implimenting a brand-spankin' new database and payment plan for all my finances. Everything paid, I started dinner. As an afterthought, I heated the whole bag of frozen peas to keep extra around to put in dinners this week or take for lunch. I want healthy food easily accessable this year, and I figured this was a good way to do it. When I finished I got a mildly crabby comment from Matt about how I always cook/buy too many veggies and we have to throw them away. Ok, that's very true. It's a bad habit. But how can I break a bad habit without trying to get it right this time?! I took it very personally and spent like an hour brooding and thinking that I don't deserve to have my good decisions and hard work (well, as hard as microwaving peas..but still) critisized and how I couldn't possibly shake myself from my pity-filled funk. Honestly, I felt pretty dejected. Matt was apologetic but I couldn't snap out of it- until Wii Rock Band. *cue angelic chorus*
I went over to play a song or two because I didn't want to be rude or to let on something wasn't right. I stayed until now, gentle reader- 11:30. Dinner to 11:30 and I'm totally content and cheerful again after easily 2-3 hours of challenging my fingers and rocking out (and singing quietly to myself). I feel crazy for spending all that time playing a game, but chores were done and it felt like what I needed- Just what I needed! So I'm going to take these lessons away from today. I want to-
1. Stop worrying about what I'm doing wrong. If
I'm really that off, somebody will tell me and I'll fix it- no biggie.
2. Keep enjoying the little things. Car rides, morning toons, egg white sandwichs, hugs from my students, sitting close to Matt on the couch.
3.Embrace and work for better habits. Health, financial, social, emotional.
I guess all I'm saying is I want to develop the confidence to stop worrying and just do what I think is right and feel is right- and enjoy the things I love along the way- which, gentle reader, includes you. ....Awww aren't i sweet.