Unburdened

The deal with Rich/Steph is that Matt and I decided he should have a talk with Rich within a week or so (about 5 days ago) and I trust that he will. Not a moment too soon. I explained to Matt how severe my feelings had become (without throwing things... Good for me!...not that I do that, but the urge has definitely been there.) And since then, it's been fairly easy for me to stay relaxed and optimistic about it. The timeline for action has really erased this dread that it would last forever and that I deserved it. After all, months went by and I've said nothing. I'm sure I'll have updates later. Now, I feel pretty unburdened.

I'm jonesing for spring. This weekend's snow was beautiful, but I feel like winter needs to quit. Take a holiday. A LONG one. I'm so happy to be back at work and have something functional to do. I'm also excited about my best college bud, Amanda, to be visiting. The first weekend of March can't come soon enough. (Early shout out to Meg's bday that weekend, too!)

Sping in the snow

Right now, I'm enjoying my time off. I miss my students and even more than that, I miss my family. Seeing them this past week was LOVELY! Maddie is so big and so smart. The best thing about this week is the knowledge that this whole Steph/Rich thing will be over soon. I can't explain what a difference it makes to my daily life. I'm super happy and my problems seem so much less frustrating now. I feel so much better. Maybe it's the optimism of spring. I'm clinging to that one day last week that was in the 50s. I don't care about the snow; I can ignore that. I'm just so focused on the time the snow will melt and Matt and I will visit Maine again. When we can finally use that picnic thing Matt's mom got us and go back to Swanzey. Mom will visit in the spring and we can go down to Gettysburg and see all the beautiful wildflowers start to pop up on the battlefield. I know I have to wait patiently, and I'm ok with that. But I feel so springy right now. It's very nice.

FYI

Oh and FYI (this is way easier than actually emailing people) My phone is being crazy and I can't hear anything out of it. So call Matt or facebook me. i've been pretty diligent about facebooking.

WOOO!

The biggest issue lately has been the whole Rich/Steph thing. It's been causing a lot of issues for Matt and me. But no more. Matt has promised to resolve the issue by next week. And now I am free. Today, I was off from work and found myself thinking about everything. It was such a nice change from what I normally think about when I walk around here. I had a bevy of happy thoughts and felt lighter and breezier. I think Matt really means business this time and I can't wait until there are decent boundaries for guest visits. That said, my best friend from college is coming to visit the first weekend of March. She's staying for a weekend and I'm SOOOO excited. I almost started cleaning for her today! But let's be honest, I'm going to wait until Friday and throw everything in a closet. But still....WOOOOOO! Amanda's coming!

Sweet

Last night, I made plans to go out with a friend from work and meet up with a coworker who bartends at this place called Sweets. Sandwiched between Funky Murhphy's and a seedy alley, is a tiny bakery with luscious treats. Towards the back of the tiny storefront and behind some velvety curtains is a funky, modern, club with square furniture made from black leather, dim but trendy lighting, and a menu that offers boozey treats like the cocktails I sampled. Misty is a bowl full of crazy, but it's really hard not to warm up to her, especially when she makes such a tasty Raspberry Almond Truffle Martini. OMG....Omg. O.M.G. I loved it. I also enjoyed a Butterfinger Martini with extra chocolate. Super pricey, I was lucky to make it out of there for less than $20. I wish I could've spent more time with Misty, but Nancy and I chatted and gossipped and bitched about work. I love my job. I love working with the people here. But I'm coming to realize that there are different standards for different staff. There are staff in my room that bust their asses, do their best, and constantly catch flack. I've learned I have to guard what I say. No more gossipping- which doesn't belong at work anyway, stop blogging about work at work, always be cool and casual, and never speak up if I see something I don't like). I don't think I'll wind up like Nancy, though. I have the shrewd ability to keep my mouth shut whether I want to or not and make waves. Man, I miss that truffle martini.

Two Steps forward, One Step Back

I've been thinking/blogging about this whole assertion issue a lot lately. I came home today and felt great. I had an easy day at work, was validated by my supervisor again for a job well done during Monday's tantrum marathon (hours of being screamed at by the same kid and I didn't ask for a break, I stick to it and by gum I did an awesome job), and I had Subway for lunch. On top of that (Nerd Alert) I made plans to get together with some gals from work- my first outing with friends I didn't make through Matt. I've really out of my shell at work. I was so pleased with myself. Then my roommates girlfriend came home and did what she does so well- ignore the heck out of me when I say hello to her face. I told myself the next time this happened, I would see it as an opportunity to have a little girl talk with her and discuss how this behavior (and her too frequent visits) sends unfriendly messages. The moment came, the moment went. And I sat on the couch next to Matt and felt even worse than I'm used to when I was treated like a complete door mat. Pre-New Englander assertive awakening. I sat and said nasty, sarcastic things under my breath so I didn't say them out loud and cause a scene. Now I've retreated into the only place besides the bathroom that she hasn't infested, the bedroom. I feel like a wimp. I can't wait to go out for drinks. THIS MUST END!

Still, I have a lot to look forward to this weekend and nothing diminishes how well I've been doing at work and how loved I've felt at home.

The nicer they are...update

My earlier blog today was inspired by welcome reactions from my coworkers after I shared my restaraunt complaining experience. I recognized how angry I sounded and today's drive home was spent thinking about how I could calmly and reasonably explain to my roommates girlfriend that there are some things she's doing that I'd like her to change. When I was finished, I felt so much better. Once I decided that I was absolutely going to address the issues I have with her the next time an opportunity presents itself, I felt so much better. I have been thinking a lot about the happy medium I want to achieve- Respecting my feelings as much as anyone else's and thoughtfully addressing my problems with people when they happen so they won't stew. Cause sometimes, like at Mamu's house, stew is just gross. I still want to be super sweet. I just don't want to take more crap than necessary.

The nicer they are...

Lately I've been noticing some disturbing changes in myself. When I moved to MA, I could recall an embarrassing number of times someone was unapologetically rude to me for no reason. Strangers, coworkers, acquaintances. And I smiled and said nothing, telling myself I was a better person for not stooping to a behavior I would not be proud to call my own. I feel I was raised to respect strangers feelings and opinions as much as my own. The problem is when I put them above my own. These past few months of living in Massachusetts, I've noticed those numbers have gone down, and the times where I complained or confronted have gone up.

Last week, every time I drove in the car, I practiced the upcoming confrontation with my roommates girlfriend. This chick has looked right at me when I've said Hello and said nothing for the absolute last time. She stays 18 nights a month (I know because after she walked right past me once, I went right to the calendar and wrote a big S for everyday she'd stayed and counted the months until she graduates/ they move out). She hardly picks up after herself, and is as annoying as the day is long...longer if you've had to fake friendliness to her. I've checked around and at least 7 of our shared friends (who are also very polite to her) dislike her, as well. So I've been ready for a battle...But why? Am I that angry at having to keep my mouth shut for the sake of Matt and Ricky's friendship? If so, I'm a big girl. Why can't I just gently tell her how I feel about her behavior and ask what she'd like to do about it? Before I kick her butt outta there...sorry, there I go again..

Last night, after a particularly craptastic dinner at PJ's ( the company was the best part) I called to complain. I was polite and told them what they did right, and let them know EXACTLY where they went wrong. It was fine.

I've gone from a complacent doormat with moral high ground to a complaining, vindictive, secretive witch bent on battle with anyone who I feel mistreats me. That can't be healthy. I feel myself getting drunk with assertiveness that turns into this sense of righteousness- and I have to watch myself carefully. Maybe it's not a change of character so much as finally letting the real character run free. Still, last night I kept my cool and the manager at PJ's was polite and apologetic and I felt good about speaking with her. She explained, not excused the problems and I hung up saying "Thanks for listening, take care!"- big happy face!

With these two examples, and many more just like them, I feel that I've stepped up, but I suppose I'm still struggling to find the happy middle ground. And I think that's what it's all about.

I don't have much to blog about. Money troubles are still present, but some of them have been solved this week. Today I will pick up my car and face the music to the tune of 700+. The coolest thing going on lately is the new kid from Nepal at work . So cute. Even his tantrums are pretty adorable. My assigned kid was sick yesterday and Adrienne didn't feel well, so I hung out with this new kid for a few hours until my break. We bonded. When I came back he was tantruming for a very frustrated Misty. I took over and was SOOO proud of how I handled it. Calm, crouched down to his level, acknowledging his feelings, giving him simple step-like commands to help him calm down like "sit down now" "pick up the tissue you threw" (while holding his hand or rubbing his shoulder gently) and clear rewards for calming down. He lived in a refugee camp and looks pretty damn malnourished. He eats just about anything he's offered and ferrets food away to take home. Hunger seems to be a very serious reality to him. Makes me feel bad when I grump because of a late dinner. He's so very smart, he's got 80% of his staff's names down after hearing them once or twice...except mine. Me, he calls Doctor. And I don't mind at all.

He sort of reminds me of shortrun..shortround ...that little kid from the Indiana Jones movie. Maybe I'll have him call me Doctor Jones. Or race down the halls yelling "Indeeee!" Swwwweeet.

When it rains...

Not to have a bad attitude, but lately, it's been pouring. A few weeks ago, I was pretty proud of myself for having all my finances in order, a steady job I like, a full gas tank, a roof over my head, and wonderful friends and family I was doing OK keeping in touch with.

Then I got a call explaining that the last electric bill from when I lived at school hadn't been paid (Bullsh....ugh ok, I paid it lickedy split rather than argue it, with a small explanation that I was unaware I owed anything.) Then my PA bank writes me with a second notice (where was the first!! This was my fault- albeit accidentally. I didn't switch my visa bill to my new bank card in time and was unaware my PA bank was charged and paid the bill. I had left $25 in it with the intention of closing my account soon. With the understanding that I would pay that off in increments (so my other bills don't suffer), I then hassled with LCU for charging me overdrafts when I had hundreds in my account and was told (mistakenly) when it would be available. (still haven't sorted that one out) Then my fuel pump breaks right before my trip back to PA...$700+. I flipping hate money.

None of these things can't be sorted out. None of these things is insurmountable. All of these things are inconvenient and freakin expensive. And all of these things have the power to make me feel like I'm failing at adulthood. But checks will be written. Calls will be made. And all of this will straighten out- as will the big knot inside me that they twistedand keep twisting. I will deal and cope, deal and cope. And then probably do it all again someday.